I love Astrobarry

This is part of Astrobarry's latest post:

"In general, when we speak of Mercury retrograde, it's about obstructions to processes of transmission, transportation and communication that hassle our best attempts to pay bills, get to the office on time, or explain ourselves in touchy situations. We're closing in on the latest Mercury retrograde (Oct 12-Nov 1) from the sign of Scorpio, where these sort of hiccups may prove to be more psychologically sharp—mainly because they may stir uncomfortable emotions, perhaps way out of proportion to the actual inconvenience that's occurring, or through whatever deep-but-deeply-unpleasant revelations 'accidentally' make it to the surface."

This was my day today. I am scheduled to leave on Friday and I don't have a ticket. I got an itinerary that had me leaving on the wrong day. I turned it back in and now I have gone to the bottom of the pile and I have no idea when I'll be ticketed. And I'm pissed and hurt and freaking out "way out of proportion to the actual inconvenience that's occurring." I swear to God. What I want to do is throw my purse and yell, "If I'm not good enough to ticket on time, I'm not good enough to deploy for you, Fuckers. I'm out of here!"

And the scary thing? I'm full time with this company. I am intimately aware of how badly we treat our employees. I never expect to be treated well. And if I'm this mad . . . THINK of how mad the contractors are. Think of being a first time person not getting your ticket and you are supposed to be leaving. Think of how bad that is making everyone feel!

And what are they doing to help . . . nothing that anyone can see. There is no cavalry.

And I'm just tired and freaked out -- like I always am before I deploy -- and I am thinking to myself why bother with all this stress when I'm not even good enough to ticket on time!

I hate being irrational. I hate being so mad that my vision tightens up and I shake. And I've been like this all fucking damn day.

Tonight, to remedy, I am going to pack all up . . . as all up as I can . . . so I have less to stress over. If and when they finally buy me a ticket on a plane, I'll go somewhere. And I'll be nervous and stress and then I'll turn my hands up for goodness, make notes of the stories, focus on writing them all down, and leave here in a blaze of glory.

Breathing. Breathing through the anxiety and the body image shit that's coming up because of the clothes I have to pack. Breathing through the not knowing and the uncertainty of the missing ticket. Breathing through the pinched headache I have right now. Breathing through the phone ringing and the heaviness of baggage.

I desire nothing.

I turn my hands up.

I accept what comes.

I stop pushing the river.

There is absolutely nothing I can do about any of this . . . but pack.