A Life Lived in Fear . . .

. . . is a life half lived.

I should be packing, but I'm not. I'm dreaming up character traits and mapping out seasons instead. I have a writing partner who I really don't want to let down. Isn't that neat? I feel like I barely know him and I really want to impress him . . . so I'm staying on it and not stopping, stunned in fear and not poo pooing my effort and letting myself feel dumb. Isn't that neat?

And, I'm leaving in less than a week. Less than a week!

I have to get my packing together soon. I really do. But it still feels like an eternity before I have to go.

I'm having strange feelings of hope and happiness. It's been a damn long time since I've felt like going forward with something and I like it. I'm afraid of the feeling . . . as if I'll allow myself hope only to have it cruelly dashed around the next bend. But I'm going with it for now. I'm going to believe that I can go forward with this and it won't kill me.

I have noticed a new awareness this year. I think it's because I turned 40. I am totally aware of my own eventual death. Completely aware that I'm not long for the world, and I better start making some hay. And I don't think of it as morose. It feels freeing. I can't waste any more days. I can't waste any more chances. I can't take for granted any more connections or friendships. I don't have the luxury of time any more. And it's making me take action and bravely accept invitations.

And it's really interesting to have this new outlook and talk to someone who's 28.

A few weeks ago I went to dinner with an old friend who's 28 years old. He was talking about a friend of his who was going to McMurdo and falling in love and how he and his friends were warning her not to. To just walk away from this guy. It's not worth it! And I thought, oh my. Every last one of them is worth it! Take the opportunity to love completely, every time! Because as you get older the opportunities come less frequently and you get more choosey and all the sudden you are longing for any wrong love just so you have some love. I think after a surviving a string of loves, you know you'll live through however it ends, so why not go for the ride? You know?

And it's really interesting to feel this urgency and to watch the young not. My 28 year old friend really does have the rest of his life in front of him. He has years and years and years of life to trudge through. But I think we all eventually get to the top of our hill where we can see both directions. I have a far better, more clear view of where I've come from and now, for the first time, I can see down the other side. I can see that eventually I will die -- so I best make the rest of the hike really fun and interesting. I want to fill every moment now -- because I know that the scary stuff won't kill me -- but eventually something will. So I need to do the scary stuff so I will have some rocking good stories to tell later, while gardening with the neighbor kid.

Because eventually, I'll have a house with a big garden and I'll have a cool neighbor kid and she'll come over and I'll tell her racy stories about living completely and without fear.

Won't that be neat?