Baby Showers are for Mothers

Yesterday I went to a baby shower. They are freaky events for the childless. I always feel so stupid. Who would know that the nose sucker ball thing and the baby advil are the most prized gifts? Who would know what a Boppy is? Oooo, the Boppy! Look at the Boppy! I LOVED my Boppy!

Mothers are like a secret society. They know secret mother things that only mothers know. And there SHOULD be a ritual gathering of the old and the new mothers, and they can all talk about labor and Boppies and sacks for sleeping and whatever else they need to know about. I'm thinking that these gatherings shouldn't include the childless. We won't be offended. We can go, instead, to the neighborhood bar, swill scotch and talk about politics. Cause we got nothing for those new mothers but quizzical looks and false squeals of "Oh, how cute!" We don't mean those squeals. They aren't coming from any place real. What we're really thinking is "Oh, thank God I don't have to do this. Oh, thank God, the next 18 years of my life won't be consumed trying to make a hunk of carbon into a grown-up. Oh, thank God."

I don't wish 'em ill. It's a fine choice. Hard thing to do. But these little new ones need only the ones who went before.

I got nothing.