The Nature of Huge, Great Change

It is 10:33 p.m. I am drinking Gran Patron Platinum Silver Tequila that the Jeff Guy brought to C's going away party. It drinks like butter . . . covered in pepper. Smooth, fucking smooth. And I hate tequila.

I had dinner with my people . . . Jack, Hutch, Traci and her husband Michael -- who I haven't seen in years. It was lovely and wonderful and all we talked about was the program and the gossip and the Ice and the history between all of us. I was irreverent and dismissive and funny.

But all day I have felt sad and sick.

The sinking dreams are starting to make sense. The foundation of my Golden Antarctic Age is crumbling. The group is blowing apart. By next spring, I doubt there will be anyone left. We all have maybe this season in us, maybe. We all knew Carlton was going. When Medley quit . . . dishonorably and without warning . . . right before we were to deploy . . . the wind started pouring out of our sails. Martin looks terrible. BK is absent on PTO. Joking about quitting isn't funny anymore. And now, the ones remaining are starting to eye their dates . . . I'll make it to June. I'll commit until March. I'm checking out this school that teaches international management. It's coming to an end.

Which means my time will come to an end. And I don't know how and I wasn't actually really ready for it. Not just yet. I like my job. I love coming to work. I LOVE the Antarctic. Love, love, love the Antarctic. But the people won't be there anymore. The people who I did this for and with and because. They are scattering. And I don't know what will become of me.

It is time for me to turn my hands up and ask for something. I need a smooth transition. I need to not take a cut in pay. I need the next great thing to present itself.

All my horoscopes are about exotic great love and huge great change happening. I'm feeling the huge change . . . but not quite the great. I'm really worried that it will all happen with grief involved or that it will come only after being set on fire and dragged through the torture.

Does huge great change ever come easy?