The Sinking Dreams Part 2.b

You know those sinking dreams? Well, last night they just might have ended . . .

Last night I was in a concrete river. A man-made, half underground drainage waterway kind of thing that acted as if a damn was at the top. The sides and bottom were all concrete and the current was being forced through, as if the mechanisms at the top of the thing were pushing the water down. There were tiers to it and kinds of screens in the water way, and lots of metal and teeth-looking things and it was all very industrial.

I was in the water, swimming against the current -- which was strong and industrial feeling coming through and around the metal teeth. I was swimming where people shouldn't be.

And I swam it! I even climbed out on the slippery, concrete side with little toe room, navigated the parked cars that were hanging over the edge and got to the top of the thing without struggle. And at the top, there were people . . . children and people and my sister . . . all sort of frolicking in it . . . playing in the current and riding along for fun.

I may have finally stopped sinking!

And, low and behold, I had this dream on the night I KNEW Medley was out of the state forever. Ok. He may come back to the state . . . he likes to ski here . . . but he is gone. Gone, gone, gone, from my life and gone from the USAP and gone -- forever. Today was like taking off my corset. I could breathe. I didn't have to pretend not to care and look cool. I didn't have to concentrate on where he was and who he was talking to and if he would walk by my cube. He was just gone. Forever.

Forever.

Do you know? Do you know how great this is to get rid of this useless distraction and reclaim my future! He isn't here anymore! He isn't a constant reminder of how fundamentally undesirable I am! I can be cool enough again. I don't have that dark gray fog around me, trying not to be fat and trying not to be uncool and trying to be somehow interesting to the lyingest man around.

Go! Go! Go! Go away, dark memory and bad self image! Go with him! And be done with you!

My God, it's like a miracle.

It may even snow.