In the Middle of Then and Out There

Recently I pulled some photos out of a box of a trip I took Sophomore year in college. My friend and I went to visit this other friend from high school, and the other friend and I finally sexualized our relationship. It was a really intense week. And my friend had her camera with her and took lots of photos of all of us, and they are the best photos I have. They captured the look and feel of Baltimore. They captured our really hip clothes and attitudes and washed us all in creamy orange, skin toned light. They reflect back to me how arty and cool I was, how confident I was that I had an artistic future, how love had endless possibility, how music was urgently important, how smoking wouldn't kill me. We were creative and intense and went out and made movies and had coffee and ate peanut butter cups for every meal.

This week I have been trying to really clarify my future self in my mind. What woman do I want to be? When I think out there into the future to the successful business owner and land baroness, what is she like? And I have been trying to be that woman now. She's confident and friendly and kind and funny and well read and informed and compassionate and fit and eats well and cooks food for people and grows her own vegetables and wears linen and is productive after work and laughs a lot.

Right now I am between these two me's. And what I really want to do is gather them all back together here now. I don't want to believe that the arty hopeful hip me is gone. I don't want to believe that the confident capable me is out of reach.

I want them all back together here . . . in the middle of then and out there.