Bad Risk

Is it fair to allow yourself a heart break when you knew all along it was a bad risk?

Is it ok to wallow in self pity when it really was that you failed to act and someone got there first?

Is it ok to know that he was never going to be a forever love match, but still feel disappointed that the other girl won?

Is it ok to be sent for a tail spin when you watch him leave the room to get his drink, give a glance to her as she is totally flirting with another guy, and watch her run abruptly after him and disappear for too long?

Is it fine to guzzle your drink so you don't sit waiting for them both to return? In fairness . . . I waited longer than the guy she was flirting with . . . when he gave up, I washed my glass and got out of there fast.

I feel 13. With braces and polyester clothes. I feel like I am sitting on the ground, cross legged at an assembly trying to breathe shallow breaths because my clothes don't fit. I remember being completely transfixed in class because my bra made folds in my back that I would try desperately to suck in. Try sucking in your back sometime. It will definitely take your mind off math.

Everything about me is so obvious. Everything about me is a loser, unchosen and misunderstood. I am such an undesirable mongrel of a woman. Fat and lame and uninteresting and poorly read and useless. I don't fit anywhere.

Anywhere.

Over and over an over and over again.

I'm sure it will pass.

He was a bad risk, after all.

Republican? Party boy? 31 years old?

What was I thinking letting his good opinion influence me?

And for fuck sake . . . I'll know him for 4 months. Tops. And then he'll be gone. This is summer camp, Baby. It ain't real.

But, God damnit . . . I did let his good opinion influence me. And now I am silly and foolish and disheartened.

I swear to God . . . there isn't anyone. Ever. Who will choose me.

Is there?