The End

You know . . . I think Putting It Out There might be done now.

Next!

B

Potential Next Steps

1. Stay put and let the world change around me.
2. Write the flipping thing.
3. Masters degree in Nonprofit Management from Regis on line.
4. Project Management classes while staying put.

I've only come up with four . . . so far.

Beth and Elaine's Near Death Experience

This is an email I got today. My dearest friend had this dream for us. I love the ending . . . with the Bats of Change yerning to breathe free!

Last night I dreamed you and I were camping (because when I think of you and me, I think: OUTDOORS!) up on a plateau, outside a cave, in a canyon that was filled with water. The canyon surrounded the water on all sides.

We were swimming happily - the water was deep but we were effortlessly floating and chatting, and suddenly we heard a BANG! And watched a huge landslide come down the side of the canyon where our campsite was. The rocks came down so intensely that we were pushed back to the opposite side of the pool of water. Then we heard other bangs and there were landslides on all sides.

We weren't ever scared, and we hiked up to check out what was left of our campsite (I don't remember what we discovered). All these bats were flying by, which registered as strange because it was the middle of the day, they were trying to escape the cave. Although I don't remember anyone else in the dream, we learned that we'd been in HUGE danger and had we not been floating happily, we would've been killed.

Huh.

Big, night time adventures...

How'd you sleep?

Elaine

NPR

My respect for NPR grew today.

I'm being interviewed by NPR.

Daniel Zwerdling and his producer came to Pole late last season and ended up talking to me and three others about what it's like to winter. It was really a neat experience. Mostly because of the three others and how much I love them. But also because Daniel and his producer were really nice and seemed interested in our long and passionate stories. At Pole, they were also really easy to talk to.

Since then, I have spoken to Daniel twice over the phone, and he's not at all easy to talk to anymore. He's in the process of writing his story and had just a few more questions. And so he would ask them and I'd go off . . . like I do . . . and he would stop me and say "Did you literally unplug your television?" "Well, no. I still have a television, but I only use it to watch movies."

And he seemed disappointed.

"Could you really not see your hand?"

"I could see my hand but not past it. It was really dark."

"I've been talking with Katie down on the ice and she said that isn't true. That even when the moon is down below the horizon, there is still enough light refracting . . . "

"Well, ok. Yes. But it was dark. Really dark. I didn't walk with a flashlight, and I did have to feel the drifts with my feet."

"Did you literally use your feet?"

Oh my God!

But, you know . . . I am really grateful he's doing this. He's making sure he doesn't believe the poetry of me. He wants the FACTS. Because he's a journalist. Because it's NPR and he'll get letters from all over the world. And he's taking that seriously.

And he's taking us seriously by wanting to make sure he isn't misrepresenting us.

And no matter how embarrassed I am that I can't seem to communicate in FACTS . . . I am very honored he wants to get us right.

More on the Next Steps

My friend and I went to dinner this weekend. We talked about what it is to look for a next step. She doesn't crave a career and values having flexibility and freedom. Working isn't the definition of her so she doesn't crave next and new and challenging and such. She's doing that in other areas of her life. She just needs the money coming in.

And this has made me think of all the different ways I could be thinking about my next.

* By location
* By tasking
* By trade
* By industry
* By salary
* By steps to another future

I wonder what will be the most important factors for me. Right this minute I would say money, but I'm in my bell jar today thinking there is little hope. That'll change.

I Might Be Really Old

I just went in to edit something in my profile, and it listed my date of birth as 3/10/1756. Shows that I'm 252 years old.

What does the blogger.com know that I don't know?

I think I might just leave it that way for a while . . .

I Need a Moth

This week I have been having the most vivid and twisty turny dreams. None have made themselves very clear. But the one that echoes in my head is one that ended in a snap, after a man that was sort of shaped like Will Farrell was holding something and declaired "I need a moth." Snap. I was awake.

So, bored and resentful at work (it was a hard focusing week), I went on line and found what a moth totem is all about. Google brought me here: http://www.sayahda.com/cyc3.html. I'll reprint some of the important bits:

The Moth
Moths live in all but polar regions. The wings, bodies, and legs of the moth are covered with numerous touch hairs that come off if it is handled. Because of this the moth is highly sensitive to touch. They can feel, smell, taste and determine temperatures with their feathery antennae. The tiny pegs upon them serve as receptors. This gives the moth the ability to perceive everything with clarity. Those with this totem usually have strong psychic and healing abilities. They must be careful not to pick up other peoples problems and carry them around in their own energy field. If this happens confusion and irritability can set in.

The process of metamorphosis is part of the magic the moth holds. The egg stage symbolizes the birth of an idea. The larvae stage indicates the laying of a foundation. The chrysalis stage represents the process of creating, and the winged stage allows it to take flight and explore new territory . . .

When the moth appears in our life it is asking us to pay attention to issues of sensitivity. Are you overly sensitive or insensitive to those around you? Are you involved in a situation that needs to be reevaluated? Are you honoring the integrity of all concerned?

The transformative qualities of the moth are numerous. It shows us how to develop and refine our psychic gifts. The moth is an optimist and an opportunist. It can teach us how to release unwanted influences and fly into the discovery of our personal joy.

"Lives in all but polar regions." I wonder what this is all about. Moth dream.

Heaven's Here on Earth

The other month I was hanging with my mom and my auntie and something my auntie said stuck with me. She sort of suddenly turned to us and quoted some thing she had seen that day. I can't remember the little phrase, but it basically implied something like, won't it be so wonderful to die and be in heaven? My mom nodded her head and sighed. Yes. And the way she said it . . . she was so completely convinced by it's truth . . . it made me realize something about my auntie's faith. She honestly and truly, down to her very core, believes there is a Heaven run by her God, and that this God is waiting for her somewhere else. And, (the most important bit), that He is saving up all the bliss and happiness and will give it to her there.

As opposed to here.

And that made me look at the way my auntie lives . . . and the way my mom lives. They don't have the panicked burning hunger urgency to make their heaven here. They are contented with the things that make them comfortable. They accept what happiness comes, but they don't seem to demand it. They also accept what hardship comes, because it's all part of Some Guy's plan, and He must know what He's doing. And if they keep in contact with Him, well then He'll throw the party when they die.

And this is REALLY different from how I see it. I don't think there is another step. I think this is it. And I do have a panicky burning hunger urgency to grab at some heaven. Make myself happy now. Do good works here. Surround myself with interesting, loving, uncrazy folks. See what they have to say. I want to keep throwing the party here.

When she said her phrase and I realized the glisten in her eye, my first thoughts were "What a pity. She's blowing her life! She's not kicking the door in! She's being a door mat instead! She should demand better!" But, now I don't think I can judge her so harshly. Come on. She's living a pretty good life.

And isn't that interesting? There are a million ways to see the world, even inside our close family. Billions of little glass jars of belief in which we all bounce. She's just chosen the one that feels true. The one that works for her. And it really doesn't have to be the same as mine.

What's Next?

Oh God.

The best boss I've ever had just resigned. Depending on who they choose to replace her . . . I may need a next. What the heck will be the next?